Still Pluggin’ Away

Six weeks have passed since I started treatment. I’ve learned that it’s possible to eat real live foods, meaning foods that were on my do not eat list. The foods which I restricted from my dietary supplements have shown to be safe for me to consume. I’ve been living on the straight and narrow for decades, forbidding myself to indulge in foods I considered junk, or too fattening. Fact be told, these foods taste good to me and they are not making me fat…I haven’t the desire to overeat, which simply leads to bulimic behavior, because I know I’ll be feeding myself again in only a couple hours. Regular feeding is starting to make sense to me. Even my body is enjoying the results of being fed frequently; digestion feels wonderful when it works properly. My mind is becoming more aware of the rights and wrongs…I’m beginning to think more clearly with less of the distorted thoughts clouding up my senses.
My personal life is still in distress, I’m facing the realities of being on my own, and having to monitor my behaviors all by myself without the guidance of my spouse to help me at the wheel. I have a tremendous amount of work to do before I’m discharged…I need my self-respect and I need the reassurance that I’m able to once and for all, conquer the issues that have haunted me in the past.

Concentrating…One Thing At A Time

If I ever thought I ate too much in the past, I was mistaken. I’m following all the rules and gritting my teeth as I do it. In order to teach my body how to function properly, I have to feed myself every two and a half hours. It is the most miserable feeling I’ve had to endure. My body was used to being fed once or twice a day, very restricted food at that. I’m learning the value of variety, portion control, and the four food groups including how they work together. I’m full every second of the day, although, I have to trust the experts and believe that they know what they are doing.

My personal life is in turmoil, and I have to try to concentrate on becoming well, free from the eating disorder before I try to conquer anything else. This is far easier said than done. My thoughts stray constantly to a place in my future and what it may bring and or not bring. I pray that today I’ll just concentrate on today. The saddest part of the equation is that I have absolutely no desire to go home for Christmas. I feel that I’m better off in this structured environment, where I have to pay attention to protocol. It makes it easier when someone else is helping me to take care of my God-given body.

There are so many things I have to simply let go of and give it to the good Lord to worry about…I’m just too tired anymore to do it alone.

Alright, I’m Gonna Fight…

With a little help from my friends and family, I’m ready to face the monster again. I was so enjoying the weight loss and the euphoric feeling of control. When I felt like I was losing control of everything in my world, I gained control over my food intake again, the same old song and dance as before. Anorexia has a way of making you feel like you’re doing the right thing, when in reality, she’s  slowly trying to take your life. I don’t want to die yet. I have a beautiful life yet to live, anorexia has got to be burried, not me…Depression has a great grip on me which in turn feeds the anorexic mind. If I continue to resist the temptation to listen to the dark side, they will both eventually be silent again. Thank you God for opening up my eyes, once more, I owe ya.

Anorexia, Here I Am

I live in a fish bowl. I’ve been writing my most secret, in depth, and disturbing thoughts on this blog for several years now, in hopes that it would help me to overcome a life long eating disorder. I’ve managed to make great strides and I’ve also fallen flat on my face. The constant battle I’ve continued to try and overcome has become once more too much for me to handle. My life has become unmanageable.

I recently let the matters of the heart get in the way of my day to day life. I allowed a person from my past to invade my mind and my heart which has made my life a complete and utter mess. My once happy home is now disrupted by more than mistrust. The computer age is a very dangerous stepping stone.

My restrictive mind has taken control of everything inside my soul. I am under the spell of anorexia and she is extremely happy with me. I, on the other hand, have simply decided to let her take control…I no longer have the power nor the energy to try and overcome her.

Holidays…

Each year since the death of mother, the holiday season has brought on a measurable amount of stress, and underlying depression. I want this twenty-first consecutive year to be different. As the Holidays approach, closer with each passing day, I will try to stay in a positive frame of mind. If the thoughts of positive energy are front and center, stress and underlying depression will certainly have a more difficult time settling into their same old comfort zone.

My life has been on an uphill swing and I refuse to let anything stand in the way of overcoming the steady path I’ve been climbing. Holidays are hard for all of us dealing with an eating disorder. The temptations are staring us in the face from sun-up to sun-down. Temptations shouldn’t be so difficult, what tends to stand in my way is the sadness I feel for all those I’ve lost in my life; some to cancer,  some because we have simply moved on to a different area of the state, and some to unforeseen circumstances. I feel lonesome for my boys on the Holidays, and tend to try too hard to make things like that of a Martha Stewart Christmas…whereas, my good intentions always tend to fall short.

This year I have to go about my Holiday plans with the idea that nothing matters other than the fact we may all be in the same room sharing a homemade dinner and laughing with one another. I’m not going to let the gifts become the focus, my kids are grown adults and the mystery of Santa is long behind them. I want to simply be able to eat a meal with them and relax with the simple pleasures of being together, after all, that’s the magic of Christmas. I want the positive energy to overcome the creepiness of ED…it will happen, God willing, I know it will…

I’ve Earned It…

It’s time to take advantage of my second thirty plus day bonus to myself! My life is on an upswing and I’m enjoying the trek. I’ve managed to span more than thirty days without any sign of bulimic behavior for the second consecutive month now. I’m not a mathematician, but I’m pretty sure that surpasses more than sixty days straight! Maybe it’s my commitment to tread water in a swimming pool that’s taken over, or the fact my future seems to become brighter as each day passes. With the absence of bulimia, I am on cloud nine. I’ve managed to shed a heavy load of shame I carried around on my shoulders that seemed to weigh me down more with each episode I permitted to take place. As for the pendulum that continues to swing, my restriction side has gained momemtum…although I’ve gone out of my way to fight the urges to restrict, I’m determined to feed myself, and stay in this great place of happy recovery for as long as humanly possible. I want to live until I’m one-hundred-five years old and still be able to swim the length of the pool. I won’t be able to do that if I refuse to be nice to myself. I’ll compare it to that of someone who needs to take Lipitor for high cholesterol, it’s a life extending drug for them, just as learning to feed myself regularly is for me. I’m lovin’ life right now, and I’m going to make that appointment for the massage I so do deserve! Thank you God for making it all possible!

Back To Reality

In the past month I’ve traveled from: my home in Minnesota, to Branson, MO, The Big Easy of New Orleans, LA, and onto the Sunshine State in southern Florida. I managed to see things along the way which I’d never seen before. We detoured in the state of Iowa and spent some time at “The Grotto of The Redemption”, and I treasure the memories I was able to make inside my mind. As I relaxed in the comforts of my sweet mother-in-laws home in Florida, I was then able to dive deeply back into my past. She made it possible for me to set aside time each day for me to concentrate on the task at hand. I’ve made progress on my story and also managed to relive parts of my past that I hadn’t let myself feel for a great while. I had the feelings of permanent vacation in a wonderland of diving back…it was heavenly to have the time to concentrate on some of the better things life provides for us, versus the doom and gloom of climbing out of the life that has revolved around a secret eating disorder. I thank all who are a part of my past for providing the material for numerous stories to come.

Although, time is up and now reality has set in once more. I will be back to work on Monday morning, just like millions of others who can no longer let their creative energy do as they please for fear the boss may not allow it to happen. I thank God for the past weeks of my life, a new awakening and something more alive to live for, dueling with past, present and future is more exciting that dwelling only on the past. My life has been rejuvenated, everyone needs a little “vaca”. I’m so thankful I got mine.

Inertia, Front And Center…Again

I’ve been trying so hard to continue my story and everything seems to blow up in my path. If it’s not my laundry, it’s my dirty dishes. If it’s not my dirty dishes, it’s my vacuuming, dusting, etc.etc. When all else fails, it’s a blast from the past. Sometimes I find it incredibly hard to concentrate on the things that I have to do, because I am consumed with the things that pacify my mind, and we all know the mind is a terrible thing to waste…

I have the ending in my mind, but I can’t put it on paper. In my mind it should end on a high note…in reality, I am heartbroken in more ways than I can measure.

Confused and frustrated…but my eating disorder is not getting the best of me…

Let’s Enjoy The Fall

I’ve been quiet lately, only because I’ve been so busy. Autumn brings on an entirely different swing to my step. I’ve always enjoyed the colorful woods and cool nights that only come in the fall of the year. There was a time in my past when a camp fire in the back yard with Mom, Dad and my brother and sister was almost a night time ritual. As seasons come and go I have to reflect on my past as memories are so full of life inside my mind.

I haven’t seen much of my boys lately. My oldest is busy living his life as a young adult, working full time, and paying his own mortgage, while my youngest is attending graduate school, one step closer to placing “Dr.” in front of his name. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to reflect on that at times it’s difficult to concentrate on the here and now. Fall brings me back to my roots, snuggling under a blanket with my mom as we watched television until my bedtime hour. Fall brings me back to carving pumpkins in the kitchen with my two favorite boys, watching them as they slopped the grotesque insides of the pumkin on every square inch of my kithen floor. The brisk air of autumn whispers to me, tugging on my arms to go outside and enjoy the crispness that will soon become frozen from the snare of old man winter. Yes, I’ve been busy…

A while back I had made a promise to myself to be free from any eating disoder behavior. I challenged myself to thirty days of eating disorder sobriety in hopes of rewarding myself with a well needed Swedish massage. I struggled some, although after several starts and restarts, I was able to treat myself to the back rub of the century. In the process of staying away from bulimic behavior, I found myself swayed once more to restriction and the desire to loose weight. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop the voices that lured me into the clutches of it’s claws. If it’s not one unhealthy behavior, it’s the other. As the pendulum sways from one extreme to the next, so does my behavior.

My most beloved season is upon me as I sit here and peck away at this unending story of my life. I wish in so many, many ways that I could be as happy on the inside as I am on the outisde. I still can’t trust myself and that is a hard pill to swallow. Looking at the beauty in the colorful world around me I have to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and give thanks to God that he’s helped me get this far.

Fall brings along with it the smells of roast beef, carrots and potatoes simmering in the crock pot, homemade bread cooling on the counter and pumpkin pie fresh from the oven. I want the taste of these comfort foods to be as fulfilling to me as their aroma. Yet if I indulge, number one: I may not fit into my pants, or secondly,  I may make several trips to the bathroom to rid my body of the sinful high calorie foods…I’d rather be a full blown acoholic….

Natural Beauty Of Nature

For the past few days I’ve been sitting shotgun in the front passenger seat of the Tahoe, my husband taking the wheel. I’ve witnessed the natural beauty of Gods earth from the Bad Lands of North Dakota to the Rocky Mountains of Glacier National Park in Montana. I can’t help but to revel in the beautiful landscapes that God has created. With each Switchback we both gasped for a bit of new air as we’d have to catch our breath at the new picturesque view before our eyes.

With all the natural beauty of nature, I have to reflect on the fact that he too, made us with his own hands, individually and unique as the lay of the land. He made us in his own image, yet all our own. In the splendor of nature, you will never see any two mountains in identical form. Each one is unique in its own beauty. Just as he’s done with each on of us, we are unique in our own way. As some mountains are spectacularly grand in comparison to another who bears the name of the foothill, we too are made that way. Some of us are grand in hight and girth, some are petite and small. Why then, I ask myself, am I so unhappy with my appearance? Why can’t I be content with my God-given genetics. I should be satisfied with what he provided for me, and I should take good care of it. I should remember always that my body is on loan, I’ll have to turn it in sometime. If I refuse to take care of it, I may not get my deposit back!

I started over with my thirty-day stretch again. I’ve now gone thirteen days straight with no unhealthy coping mechanisms in gear. I will make it this time. If I must go thirty days in order to stop any sort of dependency on any kind of addiction, I will do it now, I’m ready. I feel stronger this time, I feel that I can conquer it this time. My husband is on my side and I guess, so am I. With each day I’m able to stay focused and clear minded, I like myself more. That is a good thing…