What I’m Working On

In the early summer of 2004 my ex-husband and I were driving back from Nebraska to our home in St. Paul Minnesota. We had just made a three-day trip out to Broken Bow, Nebraska to bury his Grandmother.  On the drive home I was reading a one page story on his Grandmothers life that had been written by one of the grandchildren. I was fascinated by the details in that one page which let me in on a part of this woman’s life. I was drawn to the idea to write down my story…I had to, my boys wouldn’t have had a clue as to who I really was and what was actually inside their mother’s mind. They knew me as Mom, I was actually a completely different person on the inside than who they knew on the outside. My mind wandered for the better part of the drive through Minnesota. “I can’t write a book, I don’t even read books…I have to write about this, I just have to…Maybe if I write it down, I’ll figure it out…maybe then the insanity will go away.” There was a voice inside my head that just kept saying, “Write it down…write it down…”

It wasn’t just an idea, it was a force inside my mind that compelled me to do this. I toyed with the idea, I started to jot  down some high points for a guide to go by.  Before I knew it five years had already past and my time was running out.  I’d only written about seven pages and I felt the force inside me struggling to erupt. In my mind I was on a mission to rid myself of a life long struggle with anorexia and bulimia. What I was unaware of, was what was about to happen to me. The life long struggle that was such a well-kept secret was about to escape, everyone was about to know. Even though I planned to write about the insanity, what happened wasn’t part of my plan.

I am working on a book, one I have yet to give a title to. I am learning as I go, and somehow God keeps giving me the strength I need when I feel I haven’t any left. I love my life, I’m grateful for all who are a part of it…I’m grateful for all who have been a part of my past. I look forward to fulfilling my desire to live the remainder of my life without the learned behavior of the eating disorder.

Published on September 11, 2009 at 1:35 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I can relate to what you said about wanting your children,and their children,

    to know who you really were. It boggles my mind to think of the impact

    something like that written by my grandparents might of had on me! I think

    what you’re doing is also very important to people who struggle as you do.

    You must continue!

    • Thank you once more! With a bit of inertia in my path, and God willing, I will continue.
      PS.. I enjoyed the pictures in your blog..:)

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