Sleep Deprived With Confusion…

I wake up to the sound of my smart phone alarm. I can smell the aroma of fresh brewed coffee making its way into my bedroom. My automatic coffee maker has once more managed to do its job. Rubbing my eyes, I wrestle with the thought of getting up. It seems as if I have only shut my eyes minutes ago, yet hours have passed since I laid my head down on the pillow; it is time to rise, regardless of how many hours of sleep I was fortunate enough to receive from the night.

In the past I struggled with insomnia. It seems that throughout different stages of my life I continue to revisit the dreadful routine of lying down on my bed, dead tired, yet am unable to sleep. As I lie there, uncountable thoughts enter my brain, one thought leads to another, no rhyme nor reason. I try to concentrate on something pleasant, yet that thought disappears in an instant and disarray fills its place leaving me confused without a way to shut off my mind.

Summer has come to an end;  the leaves on the trees are turning yellow, becoming dried, and are falling swiftly to the ground with the faintest bit of a breeze from Mother Nature. My fall classes have started and with that, my brain is in a whirlwind of mixed emotions. Is that why I cannot sleep? I’m in constant worry about my ability to try to earn  good grades: about learning chemistry and being able to take the tests, keeping up with the assignments, understanding the concepts while all at the same time, I am studying for my other classes, and punching in on time for my PM shift.  In combination with all that, the fact that as I lie in bed, I ruminate about the number on the digital scale which I am hopping on more than any normal human being should. I lie in bed and I think about the food I consumed throughout the day, and what I will do to keep myself from eating too much so I stay away from bulimia. I ponder on my future and am horrified by the fact that I am alone.  I lie in bed and wonder if I will ever find peace.

The scale is showing a smaller number than it should, yet my mind is in love with the idea. I’m in a dangerous zone,  I know too well that once the ball is rolling, it’s just a matter of time before the intoxicating idea takes total control of everything. There is nothing I want more at this time than to give in to the voice of my mentor, anorexia.

As I enter into each day, I pour that first cup of fresh brewed coffee. I look out my kitchen window to my backyard oasis. Many mornings I drink my coffee on the patio and listen to the birds who sometimes sing, yet often times screech to one another. It’s incredibly difficult to stay positive, but I have to hold onto the fact that the good Lord is trying his best to walk me through this game of life. I argue with myself over the thought of having something to eat in the morning. I’m afraid that I won’t be mentally strong enough to be at peace with it. I’m always afraid that I will lose control, and bulimia will present herself. My mind tells me that the number on the scale will rise if I give in to the very least. Then my wise mind takes precedence and the fact that I have lived through numerous days, weeks, and months of treatment to save me from this demented train of thought finally kicks in. I know what I have to do, and I know that if I resist the right choice, I will only hurt myself in the long run.

I know in my heart that I have to muttle through this confusion. I also know that some of my frustrations are due to the fact that I want someone to take care of me. I pray that He has presented me with all those who are a part of my life at this time for a reason.  I have to believe that through all these people, I will learn what I am supposed to learn. As lonesome as it seems, I have to believe that God wants me to be able to take care of myself, take hold of my fears with vengeance, and finally be at peace…

Empty

I look out my picture window and witness the world moving outside. I see cars in the near distance making headway to and from their next and last destination. I walk through my home from one end to the other looking for something to keep me occupied, yet I have no desire to accomplish anything at the moment. My neighbors come and go frequently, why are they always on the go? For the past four months I have been buried in my textbooks, up to my elbows in homework, and trying my best to do a good job at work. Now after the rush of the Holiday season, my life has come to a stand still…I’m having a difficult time trying to keep myself grounded.

Since the winter break, I’ve organized my basement. I set up my sewing machine, and I also created a space for painting. Today I purchased two 24×36 inch canvases so I could put my creative mind into gear. Suddenly the fear of failure came over me like a swath of locust. There seems to be a hole inside my heart that I cannot put my finger on. I’m empty. I’m lost in my own mind, trying to figure out how to get through the rest of the winter without relying on someone to keep me happy. I have never felt so completely alone.

For decades I’ve lived a lie. I’ve hidden my eating disorder from those who know me best. I’ve danced around the truth to myself about who I am and what I do to myself when no one is watching. At times, I just want to go back to Melrose Institute so someone else can keep me in line and I don’t have to do it by myself. I lay in bed unable to turn off my mind, yet all I want to do during the daylight hours is shut my eyes and sleep the minutes away. My appetite is disappearing along with my ambition.

When I think of going into the second semester of my college education I can barely tolerate the idea. I know how difficult the past four months were, and I am well aware that my upcoming classes are even more challenging than the last. I managed to pull off “A’s” and “B’s”, but will I be able to maintain that GPA? Maybe it’s the anticipation that’s killing me right now. Maybe once I get the ball rolling again my thoughts of self defeat will pass. I’m scared and I don’t want to fail… My past has proven to me that even with the shoulders of someone else to lean on, I’ve failed in so many different areas of my life. I’ve relied on someone else to keep me standing, however; I’ve still managed to fall on my face. This epiphany only tells me that in order for me to get through the gray areas of this thing called my life, I have only myself to count on; I am going to have to trust myself and my own decisions. Maybe I need a day or two to do nothing but watch the cars come and go on the other side of my picture window. Maybe I need to get to know the real me in my downtime, and what I’m like when I refuse to let ED destroy my day.

Calgon…take me away.

A Brand New Day

I continue to look forward to the darkness of the sky so I am able to shut down myself for the remainder of the night. I look forward to the solace of sleep so I no longer have to deal with the reality of what my life has become. Yet, in the early morning midst of a very confusing dream, I was drawn to the idea of reaching out for a cup of my most favorite beverage before my body had a chance to even realize it was awake. I could smell the aroma of fresh brewed coffee at my bedside nightstand, and the pleasure it gave me to open my eyes was more willing to wake me than my dream was at keeping me asleep. My morning coffee, placed there by my husband, the same man who is ending our marriage. The difficult part of this moment was when I had the chance to look around, rub my eyes and take a few deep breaths, I knew that all my unsolved problems were still there staring at me. They were still alive and willing to challenge me throughout another day…That’s when I felt that feeling of struggle, frustration and depression once again come to life… A brand new day, with the same old complications as the one before.

I am struggling with more issues than I care to describe. I am struggling with the morals I believe in, the lies I’ve told myself, and the distortions of my outer appearance. I’m struggling with what I am going to do to try to live through the disarray I’ve managed to place in front of my daily grind. I’m face to face with the demise of my marriage and the start of a new adventure. Am I strong enough to endure all this that is placed before me, or will I crumble as I’ve done so many times in the past?

I’ve gone through the necessary steps to learn the differences between myself and the mind patterns of the eating disorder. Although with the addition of dealing with a divorce, and feeling the worthlessness of yet another failed marriage, I’m afraid I’ll lose my mind. In many ways I’ve already lost it; my integrity is shattered, my self-worth is next to invisible and my focus on becoming free from the haunts of the eating disorder are somewhere in outer space. At times I just don’t have the strength to fight it anymore. I’m tired and I want to rest. It’s become too much for me to handle and I have to give it all to my maker…I’ve lived through harder times, however, I was much younger then.

They say time heals a broken heart. They also say that you must give yourself time, time will pass, and time is on your side. I feel as I have wasted so much precious time throughout my life that, I’ve almost run out of time. If I could only make the next right decision, time could become the result of something positive for me. I have to get myself together, I have to concentrate on my future and what I desire it to look like. I don’t want to live the remainder of my life with the baggage of bulimia taking center stage. I do, however, have the desire to continue my relationship with anorexia…I have the desire, but I know in my own mind if I continue to hang on to the beliefs of the disease it will only hinder, disrupt and destroy any chance of a happy and fulfilling future.

Dear God, I wish I had a magic pill to make everything destructive in my life go away, and everything beneficial to my health and happiness blossom, like that of the wild flowers of the fields in Spring.