A Time For Concentration

I’ve been so busy trying to stay ahead of my game. I’ve become a person who is led by the demands of those in charge: my employer, and my instructors. The amount of free time I have is an absolute joke. Never, could I have imagined what I was in for when I registered for college classes last June. I’m beginning to understand the crucial importance of time management. Reality is, my time is not my own anymore.

In only a few short weeks I will be taking all the finals in my first semester. Have I grown as a person? Dare I say yes…or should I be prepared to say, it’s been a rude awakening. My youngest son put it this way, “I know you have a lot on your plate right now Mom, but in the end it will all be worth it, you’re just building character.”

“Building character”,  hmm…As I build character, under the stress of the situation, I seem to fall back into my old habits. I’ve stumbled, and because of it, I’ve beat myself up. Yet, in the middle of it all I’ve managed to get back up on my feet. I’ve managed to face another day in the classroom. I’ve managed to work my shift another night, and I’ve managed to finish my homework assignments with a few minutes to spare. This has been the hardest, most grueling year of my life. One thing I must hang onto is the fact that I am living alone, and I have not allowed the eating disorder to take control of the situation.

Stumbling is something I may very well do for the rest of my life. However, to be able to shut down the thoughts and demands of ED while trying hard to deal with what appears at times to be a hopeless situation, is more “character building” than my boy will ever comprehend.

I made it through Thanksgiving with a bit of secret suffering. For the next few weeks I will try to concentrate on my grades instead of my eating disorder. I find that the more I concentrate on other issues, ED has a way of lying on a soft pillow against the wall…always peering over at me, yet jumping up only when I give her a chance to speak. At this point, I choose to keep her quiet. I don’t need the baggage of ED to drag me down. I don’t physically have the strength to keep up with a full-blown relationship with my eating disorder right now. With the help from God above, at least for the moment, she will have to stay out of my path.

Day Three…

Just want to inform everyone of the good news; I’ve stuck to my New Years Resolution for 2 1/2 days now!!! I actually feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have come clean with all my secrets to my husband, because you know, secrets keep you sick…. I was starting to spiral but I’ve grabbed onto the rope and I’ve managed to pull myself up from the fall!! I praise God for the strength he has given me again!

This morning I spent some time on the tread mill,( limited time, not too much, not too little…:)… ) I also gave all of my fall mums a hair cut in the garage. I just couldn’t throw them out this year. I saved them all in the far corner of my garage, watered them only twice since October, and finally gave them some well needed attention today. I’m happy to inform you that under all the dried out deadness there are new plants frolicking and waiting to grow into beautiful flowering bushes this spring!!

I’ve also managed to do quite a bit of writing in the past few days. No matter what falls on my path, I will continue to write my book. Positive energy is flowing from all sides at this point. I made it through the Holidays with a few slips, but once again, I learned from them. Thank you all for listening to my chatter. I wish there was a way I could tell you how much this has helped me in my recovery….Thank you.

I Got What I Wanted

 

All I really wanted for Christmas…One on my left, and one on my right…I love my boys more anything else in the whole world….. (more…)

Happy New Year

New Years Day has been a hard one for me for years now. It was New Years Day 34 years ago. I was on day 7 of the diet that changed the story of my life. I’d found out that same New Years Day one of the popular jocks in his Sr. year in high school was killed in a car accident the night before while drinking and driving. It was the same New Years Day that we heard the news of our little 2-year-old cousin that managed to open the front door at her grandmas house while everyone else slept peacefully. She explored the outdoors of a Minnesota New Years Day morning only to freeze to death before anyone was aware of her whereabouts. It was New Years Day morning when I called my Dad from my Mothers hospital room to tell him he had better hurry, Mom was starting to make that same noise that Grandma made the night she died. New Years Day has cast onto me many unforgiving memories.

It’s been 34 years since anorexia nervosa entered my life. Bulimia followed only nine months later. I have struggled for two-thirds of my life to overcome something that entered my life in a silence all it’s own. I’ve run from reality for years and finally at the point of throwing in the towel on my life, I was forced to climb a mountain to recovery. The mountain is still rugged and seems to be unachievable to me at times.

I am a survivor, and I know that the good Lord above didn’t give me the second chances I’ve been given for no reason. I will carry on, I will recover, and I will put one foot in front of the other. I will learn from my past and I will, one day be able to steer others from entertaining the silent seduction of the eating disorder. I will turn 48 years old in February. The year I turned 44 I was haunted by the fact this insanity had then, followed me for 30 years of my life. Time continues to tick away. I have come so far from that point, but I have slipped back into too many old ruts. The New Year will now become my new beginning. The past is past, there is absolutely nothing I can change. The new Year is all I have in front of me now.

Dear Lord, thank you for the strength you have given me to share my thoughts with complete strangers on a computer screen. Thank you for making me feel better by letting my secrets out instead of harboring them inside to stew and continue to destroy me. Once more Lord, I pray that you will forgive me and give freely to me, your grace I need so desperately. I pray also for all those struggling with an eating disorder at this time. Touch all of us with your love and kindness and continue to open our eyes to the things we must see to be able to overcome this undesirable lifestyle we are living. With each step of the way on this road to healthy eating habits, positive thinking and joyfull living, I thank you and I praise your holy name.

I Just Want To Start Over

With Christmas behind me, I’m now trudging on the path of the future; I’m working on trying to stay focused on recovery. Without hesitation, I listened to my bulimic behavior persona on Christmas Day Eve. I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen as everyone else visited cheerfully and toasted to the past, present and future with all the sarcasm a blended family has in its peculiar way they manage to get along. I watched as they meandered down stairs to watch old home videos. I listened to the broken laughter and thought how funny it was that I was the only one in the kitchen cleaning up the after effects of dinner. I reminisced in my mind of how it was when I was a kid, all the girls had to do the dishes by hand while the mothers and Grandmas dug deep into the refrigerator getting rid of last weeks leftovers. They found as may extra dishes for us to wash as humanly possible to take advantage of the free labor. It was fun to clean up on Christmas, the faster we got the work done the sooner we were able to gather up in the living room to open gifts. I was alone listening to the voice inside my head that told me to get rid of all that food. I was being seduced by the bulimic behavior and I was not going to fight it. The voice inside my head was whispering as the  sounds coming from the room below were happily inviting me to join in when I was ready. No one was helping me, it was reason enough to fall back into old behavior patterns; I was alone, and they were all preoccupied. I was full, I was uncomfortable, I ate so much. I was alone, I took advantage. No one heard a thing, no one had an inkling of what was on my mind. It was my secret for the night.

With A Little Help From Above

Thank you to the Good Lord for the extra backbone he provided for me the past two days. I gave him all my insecurities, frustrations, doubts and self-destructive thoughts. When I’m just about to fall into the true trap of self-loathing; when I’m just about to take on all the imperfections the world has to offer as my very own fault, I gave it all to God. I gave it to God so he could deal with my thoughts of destruction and self hatred. I gave it all to the one who cares most, the one who loves unconditionally; the one that takes care of everything. I praise God for the great things he has done for me in my recovery. I praise God for continuing to care for me when I, as only humans do, continue to screw up. I sat back and let him be in control of all the chaos. I was mindful and I listened to the healthy side of myself; even though the unhealthy side of me was continuing to scream. I’m at peace with myself and I am looking forward to cooking a Christmas dinner for Ken and I along with all four of our grown children and their significant others. I let God take control of the situation at hand, and suddenly, everything is as it should be. Happy Birthday to a warm and loving Jesus!!!!

Christmas Pressures

I can’t tell you how hard it is to pacify everyone at Christmas, you see there is only one day to get it all in. There is no one on earth that loves to create tradition more than myself. I am that person that would rather have all the kids and their significant others stay overnight on Christmas Eve so we can all enjoy Christmas Morning together. Time is changing Christmas for me more than I care to believe. 12 years ago I was faced with the fact that my boys were going to spend Christmas Day with their Father and their Grandparents, the way we always spent Christmas as a family before the divorce. I have never spent Christmas Day with my boys since that year. Should I blame myself for that seeing as I was the one that wanted the divorce in the first place?…. Is it my punitive damages for going through with a divorce? I’ve always settled for the day after or the day before to celebrate Christmas with my boys. I feel lost when this time of year comes close. I have the love of my husband to have and hold….but at Christmas what I really want is my boys, one on my left and one on my right. I miss them so terribly bad. Time has changed so many different things. They’re thrown into the melting pot; now they have to try to please girlfriends, Grandparents, Dad and Mom…which way are they supposed to go?  I still don’t know if they will be part of my Christmas, I don’t know when I’ll find out. I’ve decided to put this in Gods’ hands. I refuse to play tug of war with my grown boys. I want the decision to be up to the man whos’ birth we are trying to celebrate. That is the reason for the season. God will make the decision, no one else. I will except and honor his wishes. I give this this to you Lord. I can’t make it through this season without your help. I showed myself that today….Forgive me Lord, but I’m just too weak to do any more on my own. You are in total control, You Lord, are my pilot.

Careless And Yet Aware

Alright, so I decided that this eating disorder I’ve had all my life is not as bad as what victims of sexual abuse have to live with. I cannot compare my eating disorder with anything like that; however, many of those that suffer sexual abuse develop eating disorders…. I began feeling as though I shouldn’t take this eating disorder so seriously.  I’ve had so much therapy and I know the way out. I have come so far from where I was only 3 years ago. I felt it was time to take another big step. Then I realized how the “sleeping bear” inside my head is so ready and willing to come out and take over my life in a blink of an eye.

The “sleeping bear” inside my head is none other than the master himself, ED. I’ve  come to know that he is the one that has made all my decisions. I’ve finally made it to the place where I thought I was able to make some decisions on my own.  I am able to do that, but he is still the control freak. I have to respect the strength of ED, no matter how strong I think I am, he will wake up and growl with vengeance if I don’t respect him.

I baked and I tasted. I indulged in sugary deserts. I ate at a Mexican restaurant and didn’t order a salad. This has all taken place in the past few days. As I was eating my mexican feast last night I listened to my husband make noise as I listend to Ed tell me to devour the food in front of me. ” Take advantage now, when you get home have more bread pudding and  then, GET RID OF IT!”

I did the next right thing. I told my husband that I couldn’t be alone when we got home. I needed him to know what was going on in my head.

He was aware of my thoughts; it wasn’t my secret. He told me to get on the tread mill for a couple laps, I’d feel better and not so full. I hopped on the tread mill, walked a brisk “1”mile, no more, no less. I made it….I didn’t listen to ED. At the same time, I CANNOT take him for granted…EVER.

So Far So Good

It’s December 9th. I’ve been sitting next to my Christmas tree for the past 12 nights. I’ve been able to continue to write and I must say, I’ve managed to stay in a positive state of mind….for the most part. I wrote that I was going to concentrate on the here and now. Had I not written that, I think I would have given in to the downward spiral I was beginning to feel come over me. I am so fortunate to have learned how to sit back and concentrate on my own thoughts. Life IS what you make it. I look at my tree, instead of sadness, I see only beauty…. Last night I talked to my sweet Andy, my first-born. He’s States away right now, however, he’s anxious to see if I’m telling the truth about my tree. (It’s the most beautifulist tree I ever decorated.) I pray that God will see to it that both my boys come home for Christmas. I pray that God will let the snow subside so there will be no weather related issues.

I’ve enjoyed enjoying my Christmas Season so far…:)

Yes, What I Said Was True…

I am the chip  on my own shoulder….aren’t we all? We are all our own worst enemies… we are all harder on ourselves than anyone else is on us. I’m right, I know I’m right… I don’t care what our differences are, I don’t care what kind of addictions or hang ups any of us have…we are our own chips on our own shoulders…we will carry those chips and blame others for them as long as we believe it’s someone elses fault. Got news for ya. It’s ours, it’s how we’ve comprehended our circumstances from the start. It’s our own fault for whats happened to us in this book of life. It’s not moms’ fault, it’s not dads’, It’s not our bothers fault and it’s not our sisters…It’s all about how we comprehend our own experiences in life. It’s up to you and it’s up to me how we comprehend what others say and do…it’s never because of someone else….just thought it was important I threw that in..