Sleep Deprived With Confusion…

I wake up to the sound of my smart phone alarm. I can smell the aroma of fresh brewed coffee making its way into my bedroom. My automatic coffee maker has once more managed to do its job. Rubbing my eyes, I wrestle with the thought of getting up. It seems as if I have only shut my eyes minutes ago, yet hours have passed since I laid my head down on the pillow; it is time to rise, regardless of how many hours of sleep I was fortunate enough to receive from the night.

In the past I struggled with insomnia. It seems that throughout different stages of my life I continue to revisit the dreadful routine of lying down on my bed, dead tired, yet am unable to sleep. As I lie there, uncountable thoughts enter my brain, one thought leads to another, no rhyme nor reason. I try to concentrate on something pleasant, yet that thought disappears in an instant and disarray fills its place leaving me confused without a way to shut off my mind.

Summer has come to an end;  the leaves on the trees are turning yellow, becoming dried, and are falling swiftly to the ground with the faintest bit of a breeze from Mother Nature. My fall classes have started and with that, my brain is in a whirlwind of mixed emotions. Is that why I cannot sleep? I’m in constant worry about my ability to try to earn  good grades: about learning chemistry and being able to take the tests, keeping up with the assignments, understanding the concepts while all at the same time, I am studying for my other classes, and punching in on time for my PM shift.  In combination with all that, the fact that as I lie in bed, I ruminate about the number on the digital scale which I am hopping on more than any normal human being should. I lie in bed and I think about the food I consumed throughout the day, and what I will do to keep myself from eating too much so I stay away from bulimia. I ponder on my future and am horrified by the fact that I am alone.  I lie in bed and wonder if I will ever find peace.

The scale is showing a smaller number than it should, yet my mind is in love with the idea. I’m in a dangerous zone,  I know too well that once the ball is rolling, it’s just a matter of time before the intoxicating idea takes total control of everything. There is nothing I want more at this time than to give in to the voice of my mentor, anorexia.

As I enter into each day, I pour that first cup of fresh brewed coffee. I look out my kitchen window to my backyard oasis. Many mornings I drink my coffee on the patio and listen to the birds who sometimes sing, yet often times screech to one another. It’s incredibly difficult to stay positive, but I have to hold onto the fact that the good Lord is trying his best to walk me through this game of life. I argue with myself over the thought of having something to eat in the morning. I’m afraid that I won’t be mentally strong enough to be at peace with it. I’m always afraid that I will lose control, and bulimia will present herself. My mind tells me that the number on the scale will rise if I give in to the very least. Then my wise mind takes precedence and the fact that I have lived through numerous days, weeks, and months of treatment to save me from this demented train of thought finally kicks in. I know what I have to do, and I know that if I resist the right choice, I will only hurt myself in the long run.

I know in my heart that I have to muttle through this confusion. I also know that some of my frustrations are due to the fact that I want someone to take care of me. I pray that He has presented me with all those who are a part of my life at this time for a reason.  I have to believe that through all these people, I will learn what I am supposed to learn. As lonesome as it seems, I have to believe that God wants me to be able to take care of myself, take hold of my fears with vengeance, and finally be at peace…


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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. In taking care of yourself, you will be showing your patients that you are able to care for them.

    I can’t begin to imagine your struggles Lori. I truly can’t. So any words of encouragement come from a simple understanding of one thing: love.

    You must eat to nourish your body with love and gratitude. Enabling it the energy and power to forge ahead in your studies, in your life, and in pursuance of God’s plan for you.

    Eat to empower your physical self to support your mental and emotional self.

    And when you have eaten for the right reasons: nourishment, fulfillment and power…. you will have eaten enough. But not too much as to need to expel it.

    You express faith, and courage, and strength, and hope. All of these things will get you through today. You don’t need to salvage any of these things for tomorrow. Use them all up today. And tomorrow, your supply of faith, and courage, and strength, and hope, will be restored. You have shown this over and over.

    I’m always so happy when you post. I know you are so busy! And so much closer !!!! Be well Lori, please.

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