Wanting To Run…

The weather man is predicting a beautiful day with the temperature to reach a balmy 80 degrees. It seems as though summer vacation has only just begun, yet August has arrived and the crowds at the County Fair have been accumulating all week. Where does the time go? The past two months have been most challenging for me and so far they have left me feeling more out of touch than ever before.

I’ve looked into the idea of running away. I’ve gone as far as to try to get a market analysis on my home. I was interested in continuing my education while living in the warmth of sunny Arizona. When I think of the frustration of shoveling snow and the reality that it’s only a matter of time before I have to do it again, all I want to do is run away from it all. Then I have to step back and ask myself what I am really trying to run away from. Is it the long hard winter, or the thought of spending another long hard winter alone trying to fend off the enemy of ED? God knows that no matter where I am, ED is sure to follow if I don’t shut her down completely before I leave.

At times I am so strong, and my will to move forward is unbelievable even to myself. Then in the blink of an eye I find myself so consumed with anxiety, depression and loneliness that I fall back into the loving arms of ED. The feelings of defeat and loneliness are too much for me to handle. I don’t know if I will ever be able to overcome these horrendous feelings and I pray for strength and guidance.

I’d love to be able to hop on board a transatlantic cruise ship. I’d love to take a three-month vacation and travel to all the ports I’ve not yet seen in my life. The thought of running away is enticing and gives me a peaceful feeling inside that I crave. Is it another form of running from the inevitable, or is it a part of my personality that completes me and gives me strength? Traveling has always been a highlight in my life. The memories of each trip I’ve ever been on have given me something wonderful to reflect on when I feel the downward spiral of depression settling in.  Even the thought of sitting on the foot of the bed in my old house, watching the long grasses in the meadow flow from side to side like the waves on the sea gives me a feeling of peace. These feelings of peace come from the memories of experiencing the pleasures they gave me at the time.

All these feelings tend to hold me in the past. I think of all the things that have given me pleasure in my life and the loss of it all is too overwhelming for me. I stare at the walls that surround me, and I stare at the accomplishments of the past year plus of my life and I have no feelings of pleasure. Living alone is taking its toll on me. I find it difficult to make it through the day if I am not scheduled to work. At work, I am surrounded by people in need of attention and I freely give them all I have to give. My work is rewarding and does give me a sense of accomplishment. However, returning home to an empty house with only the echos of ED is the most depressing part of my existence. Dear God save my soul and show me the way.



Published in: on August 1, 2013 at 9:42 am  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hi Lori! It’s good to see you writing. I think I understand the wanting to run from things. But this sounds like fair game to me! If you don’t like to shovel snow and don’t look forward to the cold months, why NOT consider moving to a warmer climate where you don’t have to? It doesn’t have to be because you’re running from ED. I admire your looking ED in the eye and facing it with such honesty.

    And the older I get the more I want to travel. It is SO freeing isn’t?

    I hope school is not as stressful. And I admire the attention you give your people at work. You must truly be making a difference to them.

    • My God how much i love reading your comments… you are truely sent from the stars xxoo

      • 🙂 You make me feel very good. I do hope you are doing well. You know, I truly don’t blame you for considering moving. I think it’s wonderful to allow yourself those thoughts. Why NOT give yourself those options? Even if you don’t go, doesn’t it feel amazing to know you ‘could’. 🙂

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