My “little Dr.” in waiting…

Just before the white coat ceremony…It was a cold rainy day. I’d just left school myself, wondering what the hell I was doing spending my time in classes at my age, and doing homework every spare second I could find. There was really nothing that would have stopped me from attending this ceremony, it’s not everyday your youngest son is presented with a white coat that simply means that soon he will become a doctor. My heart was overflowing with emotions, some were sad, most were happy, happy for my son and his wife. You see, they are in the driver’s seat for the ride of a lifetime. They are wide-eyed and aware of all the negative and more importantly, positive possibilities before them. They’re young, full of life, and both are the epitome of a Ken and Barbie look-alike contest. They are everything: a college education, social skills, and a pretty package all rolled into one. I should be content with my son and his forseeable success in life; yet I found myself in world of emptiness.

I have made so very, very many mistakes in my lifetime. I have hurt people who I love more than I do myself. As I put the car in drive that evening, I left the Twin Cities with a hardened heart. I was alone in my car, and the ability to stop along the way to rid my stomach and anything it held captive was open for the taking. No excuses to make to anyone but myself…and why would I have to make any excuses to myself…I’m the one who high-jacked myself in the first place. Besides, who was I going to tell? Before my heart and mind had any control over the idea, bulimic behavior took the driver’s seat.  The rest of the drive home was oblivious,  music blaring so loud I could barely think, until I felt the blow of the front drivers side tire. There I was, stranded on the side of a dark highway in the middle of absolutely nowhere. I stared out into the night, wondering if I should call my “man-friend” to come to my rescue. I hesitantly decided to let him into my fiasco…praying inside myself that he wouldn’t see it as a hinderance or possibly a “duty” to take care of someone he may have some feelings for. I was simply in need of someone to take care of me momentarily, until I could see through all the rubbish in front of me.

That night I felt so alone…much like I do right now. I am a person who needs to be with someone else. I need to cook something for someone, I need to plan, I need to tend…I don’t do well on my own, I never have, most likely, I never will.

I have a paradise in my back yard, but I have no one to share it with. I have hopes and dreams for a successful career in the health care field, but I am alone, so…who cares. How do I embrace the fact that I may well be alone for the remainder of my life…it’s simply overwhelming emptiness. At times it seems that the only way out of the mess I’ve made of my life is to end it all, without question. But my faith in God prevents me to follow through with the grandiose, selfish idea. However; what a reassuring relief it would be to not have to struggle with myself and my distorted thoughts of self-hatred and mental self-bashing on this constant rollercoaster of highs and lows in which I reside. Dear God, save my soul.

So Lori, let’s face the facts…as I’ve learned from someone near and dear to me in the past,  when life serves you lemons, you have to make some lemonade. I don’t want to, I don’t feel like doing it, but in order to conquer ED, I guess it’s a “Cotten picken” must. I am so tired of looking into the past and reliving the crap that I should have done differently. I am too exhausted to trudge forward into the future to anticipate all I have to accomplish before I’m finished with my degree…so I may as well sit back, relax and make some damn lemonade with all these blasted lemons that continue to fall into my lap.

I listened patiently to my youngest son as he toiled through his first years of college. He then in turn, listened patiently to me as I toiled through the first year of my college experience. He’s my inspiration, he has made it through more than I ever have to contemplate when it comes to the world of acidemics…it’s time for a bit of yellow tinted sweetness in my ice-cold glass. Thank you Michael, my “little Dr.” in waiting,  for more than you know…XOXO

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. First, congratulations to YOU for your first year of school. My dad would say you don’t “have” to be in school at this age, you “get” to be in school at this age. I am super impressed with you, my sister, and anyone at our points in life who say….I can be more. And do it! What courage that takes Lori. Absolute courage.

    Second, congratulations to your son! What an exciting time for him.

    Third, I hope that glass of lemonade is as incredible as you want it and need it to be.

    You should sit back, smile and say “damn nation, I am doing all of this hard work for me! And I deserve it.”

    I hope you can sit with that glass of lemonade, and smile at what you are doing. And who you are.

    🙂 And I’m glad to see another post from you.

    • You have no idea what your comments do for me…from the bottom of my heart I thank you…

      • 🙂 You are welcome. I hope you realize what your courage does for me. Please be good to yourself. You do deserve it.

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