I look out my picture window and witness the world moving outside. I see cars in the near distance making headway to and from their next and last destination. I walk through my home from one end to the other looking for something to keep me occupied, yet I have no desire to accomplish anything at the moment. My neighbors come and go frequently, why are they always on the go? For the past four months I have been buried in my textbooks, up to my elbows in homework, and trying my best to do a good job at work. Now after the rush of the Holiday season, my life has come to a stand still…I’m having a difficult time trying to keep myself grounded.

Since the winter break, I’ve organized my basement. I set up my sewing machine, and I also created a space for painting. Today I purchased two 24×36 inch canvases so I could put my creative mind into gear. Suddenly the fear of failure came over me like a swath of locust. There seems to be a hole inside my heart that I cannot put my finger on. I’m empty. I’m lost in my own mind, trying to figure out how to get through the rest of the winter without relying on someone to keep me happy. I have never felt so completely alone.

For decades I’ve lived a lie. I’ve hidden my eating disorder from those who know me best. I’ve danced around the truth to myself about who I am and what I do to myself when no one is watching. At times, I just want to go back to Melrose Institute so someone else can keep me in line and I don’t have to do it by myself. I lay in bed unable to turn off my mind, yet all I want to do during the daylight hours is shut my eyes and sleep the minutes away. My appetite is disappearing along with my ambition.

When I think of going into the second semester of my college education I can barely tolerate the idea. I know how difficult the past four months were, and I am well aware that my upcoming classes are even more challenging than the last. I managed to pull off “A’s” and “B’s”, but will I be able to maintain that GPA? Maybe it’s the anticipation that’s killing me right now. Maybe once I get the ball rolling again my thoughts of self defeat will pass. I’m scared and I don’t want to fail… My past has proven to me that even with the shoulders of someone else to lean on, I’ve failed in so many different areas of my life. I’ve relied on someone else to keep me standing, however; I’ve still managed to fall on my face. This epiphany only tells me that in order for me to get through the gray areas of this thing called my life, I have only myself to count on; I am going to have to trust myself and my own decisions. Maybe I need a day or two to do nothing but watch the cars come and go on the other side of my picture window. Maybe I need to get to know the real me in my downtime, and what I’m like when I refuse to let ED destroy my day.

Calgon…take me away.


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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hi Lori, I don’t know if this helps or not because I don’t want to minimize the impact of what ED has done to your life. I can’t imagine! But I want you to know that a lot of the things you described seem so familiar to me and things my close friends say to me. At times we are so immersed in our lives (work, study if school is part of it, house work, getting through every day) that when things slow down because of holidays being over or school in break, or things just seem to have been caught up…. it’s like…. WOW. What happened? How’s come everyone else seems so busy (I bet many people wonder how YOU have done all you have done: new home, new job, new school…!!!!).

    I say all of the time when I am busy that I wish I had a day at home where I didn’t have to DO anything or BE anywhere. But, if I’m home and no one is calling, the house is clean, I wonder…. what the heck! Why don’t I have anything to do?

    And failure? I sing that tune with you Lori. Oh my how I fear it. I fear failing at what I’m supposed to be doing, I fear failing at KNOWING what I’m supposed to be doing, I fear failing….me.

    I truly hope I am saying this the way I mean it….that maybe some of your fears and anxieties are….normal? 🙂 That there is nothing wrong with YOU because you have these thoughts and anxieties. Honestly, I think it’s quite healthy of you to RECOGNIZE these things and be able to voice them.

    I am inspired by you. And I love how you have motivated yourself forward.

    I don’t like that you fall on your face, but want you to know we all do. But not everyone picks themselves up like you just did.

    This post was great. Because it was honest. And hopeful. 🙂

    • Wow…did that sound like something I really needed to read. Maybe I AM more normal than I give myself credit for. It’s been a very long 48 hours…thank you for your undivided support, you have no idea what it means to me. God bless you.

      • You’re welcome. I am sure of it (that you are more normal than you give yourself credit for). And all I know is what I read. But you seem pretty open, honest and brutal on your self. Common traits to many people who are driven. Driven by something. Driven to do something. Driven to conquer. Create. Make better. Accomplish. Live. 🙂

        Thank you for the blessing. We can all use them. Blessings returned with smiles.

        I hope you paint. Even if you don’t like what you end up painting. It sounds like your body and soul need it.

      • Tomorrow…I will paint…and I will post the outcome…

      • THAT is a beautiful comment. 🙂 I can’t wait.

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